How to Find True Happiness

Chris happy

Chris feeling happy

Ciao Bellissimi Babes!

Chris here taking introspective finger to patient keyboard to write to you about finding true happiness

Recently I have been taking another amazing blogging class by Jon Morrow, one of my favorite bloggers and most inspiring people. Jon has a unique story in that he has a congenital (from birth) disease that has affected him to the point that the only part of his body he can move, literally is his face.

Despite this he has created a blogging empire and has created the best classes on blogging I have ever experienced. They are simple, to the point and they basically give you the secrets that he had to figure out the hard way so that you don’t have to make a bunch of mistakes and can go right onto the fun bits of blogging.

I took several of his classes a few years ago and I am up to almost 10,000 subscribers. This is a plug for Jon because he deserves it but my point is, I have seen and listened to Jon through his seminars and courses and  I would say that despite everything that has happened in his life, Jon is happy.

In the class I am taking now I have had, as an assignment, to go and review several blogs. Since Chasing La Bella Vita is all about creating a beautiful life, I researched life improvement blogs.

What I found is that most of the life improvement blogs come up with the same bullet points over and over again about mindfulness, avoiding stress and various other things that I know you have all read about quite often.

These all seem to have the same ideas and the same content but are written by different people.

Before I found my happiness, I tried all these things and guess what? I was not all that happy. It was too much work

A simple formula

There is never one thing in your life that will make you happy despite what the chick flicks tell you.

Happiness comes from developing and using certain skills, without which your life can be a living hell.

What are these magical skills you ask?

Communication

This may sound simple but communication is the most important skill you can work to develop. Happy people are generally masters of the skill of communication,

I have put a ton of work into handling communication and there is nobody that I cannot face and handle with communication alone.

That is how powerful a tool communication is.

First let’s look at the definition of communication:

Communication: The act or process of using words, sounds, signs or behaviors to express or exchange information or to express your ideas, thoughts, feelings, etc.

(Merriam Webster)

The above is a pretty simple definition of communication and we see that it is basically the exchange of thoughts and ideas between people or groups.

That said, there are many ways to do this incorrectly. The current examples set by media types are that you throw out your idea and shout down the other person so that they cannot express their idea if it conflicts with yours.

It used to be that interrupting someone was the rudest possible lapse of manners. It simply was not tolerated and people who did it were rightly outcast from polite society.

Nobody likes to be treated like that.

Additionally communication is an exchange of ideas. It is not one person talking endlessly about what they think, feel, decide, etc. One speaks then one listens.

One looks for areas of agreement in communication and not areas of disagreement. You could ignore areas of disagreement entirely and be wildly successful as a communicator.

Communication is not making the other person wrong, being snide or snarky. It is hearing the person, acknowledging them which lets them know you understand and communicating something back.

If you are really interested in honing your communication skills, check out this free online course. It goes into greater detail and gives yo some exercises that you can use to practice.

Things segues nicely into my next point.

Understanding others

This is a big subject but it is extremely important.

No one likes to be misunderstood and the biggest upsets you will have in life is when you have misunderstood someone or they have misunderstood you.

How do you avoid this?

To start, you have to throw away all ideas or decisions you have already made about someone.

You would be amazed at some of the truly negative things people can think and believe about someone else simply because they never asked that person.

Lets look at an example:

A man comes home and he is quiet. His wife tries to engage him in conversation and he does not respond.

She can think to herself that he doesn’t love her any more when in fact, he just got chewed out by the boss and is too embarrassed to tell her how worried he is that he might lose his job.

When there is something you want to know about someone, ask them. Most of the time people love to talk about themselves and one of the biggest secrets of this universe is that to melt anyone’s heart, all you above to do is ask them about themselves. Then be interested and willing to listen. I have made more friends that way all over the world. It is universal.

People have fascinating stories. They are worth hearing, so ask.

Another point on this is when someone is having a tough time, you may ask them something and have them blow up on you. Most people, once they have done this, if you handle it correctly, will calm down and go right into communication. They have an upset. All they want is for your to understand that they are upset. You don’t even have to fix the cause of the upset if you handle it right.

Once that person knows they have been heard and understood, they will likely be fine unless their purpose is just to run you down in which case keep reading and I will get to toxic people in a moment.

Let’s take an example of a man coming home late for dinner. His wife made a nice dinner and now it is burnt.

She is upset and she makes it very clear to her husband that she is not happy.

The incorrect réponse would he for him to get defensive and assert that she doesn’t understand him when all he needs to do is really get that she is upset. It doesn’t mean he is wrong. The fact is just that she is upset.

If he simply acknowledges her upset she would calm down and he can them tell her about his day. When she is calm, chances are she will be willing to listen and provide support if he had a rough one.

There are components of understanding and you can learn more about them here. 

Treat others as you want to be treated

This is the Golden Rule. It is self explanatory and simple.

There is another edge on this particular rule however and it is this:

Do not allow others to treat you as you would not treat them.

Many people forget this and for some reason think they have to put up with all kinds of crap because someone is family, or because “That is just his way”  or a million and one excuses as to why someone is allowed to treat you like shit.

If someone habitually blows up at you, is abusive, is suspicious of you and makes this known despite having nothing to be suspicious of, get them out of your life.

For more information specifically on identifying toxic people and handling them click here. 

Eliminating stress

See my point above.

For anyone who is stressed, all they need do is comb through their life and they will find one or more people who are toxic.

I do not use that term lightly but toxic is exactly what they are. They will kill you through stress and illness.

The easiest way to identify these people in your life as to ask yourself this question:

Who is it in my life that I feel worse after talking to and that I have tried and tried to handle?

There is your baby.

If they won’t handle, eliminate them and watch how your life smooths out.

Don’t create hostility

Because many people have no skills when it comes to communication, they do not realize that some of the things they say are creating hostility in others.

I recently watched a show where a man was visiting his estranged father. He wanted to repair their relationship.

The entire time this was going on I was saying to myself “Oh, no! Don’t go there” “Why would you say that?” “Oh Man you just made things worse!”

To start with, the man went on and on about another friend he had and kept saying “he was like a father to me”. Can you see that that is pretty invalidating to the real father? Who was he? chopped liver?

The man also talked about the things his dad had done to him and how he was not there for him and on and on. All this did was make dad upset.

The show ended with the dad going in the bedroom and slamming the door. An opportunity to mend fences and recreate a father and son relationship was ruined.

Everyone in life is doing the best they possibly can. No one knows what is going through someone else’s head when they make a decision, not even those closest to him.

Additionally there are people who are fundamentally incapable of taking more responsibility than they are or have. Expecting them to see this and agree with you about it is foolish. Some people only have so much to give and no more. You either have to be happy with that or go find someone else who is capable of giving more.

Base your life on helping others

Of all the secrets of happiness, I think that this is the biggest secret and the most successful method. Many people go all their lives searching for something that will give their lives meaning,. They know it is not money or beautiful things although these things are nice.

Those who are happiest are always looking for ways to help other people. There is really nothing that makes someone happier than knowing that they have truly helped someone else.

Find and live your purpose

There is a basic purpose you have had pretty much all your life. It is deep and only you know what it is.

It took me a long time to realize that my basic purpose was to communicate to as many people as I could and to give them help and to let them know they are not alone, that someone understands them.

Chasing La Bella Vita grew up put of that basic purpose. That is why it is so dear to me.

What is your basic purpose? It is very personal and you will know when you find it, many times it does have to do with helping others in some way.

It may take awhile but you will get it. Sometimes just knowing what it is will make you happy.

Hone these skills with the help of the courses I gave you in the links. Being skilled an an area gives one control and happiness.

Life has skills that are necessary. Mastering them will give you the skills you need to create your very own happy life.

Write me and let me know how it goes.

XO Chris

 

 

 

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “How to Find True Happiness

  1. Great post Chris on some of the ways to find true happiness. Particularly on understanding others, I’ve found it’s very important to just observe and listen. You also have to set aside what you may have heard about someone from someone else, who may have their own axe to grind or may just not be a good listener or observer themselves.

    • Hi Pete!
      So true! I have found that people in general and I in particular have a tendency to look at someone and not see them. We tend to see what we want them to be. Otherwise how could you explain someone who stays friends with someone who is clearly abusive? The reality of the person is not being looked at. It can also end up that someone does not measure up to what we think they should be and that is unfair. A person should only have to measure up to what they really think they should be,. Thank you for weighing in!
      XO Chris

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