A wide eyed and disappointed Chris here taking disillusioned finger to patient and understanding keyboard to write to you about a new kind of energy vampire.
I have had another run in with this one and have been having these upsets for years. I finally put my finger on what was occurring and have found yet a new type of energy vampire.
The mechanism is this:
As long as you are struggling in life, as long as you are being victimized, sympathy flows from this person like water. Sympathy is a major weapon used along with reinforcement of the idea that you have been victimized and there is nothing you can do about it. Sound familiar?
This is a new take on those creatures who suck the life out of you while telling you they are helping you.
And this is their new weapon: Help.
Have you met someone who, while you were struggling and upset, failing in life, sick and victimized, treated you like you were a saint? The minute you got back on your feet did this person suddenly started tearing you down? It is as though you make them wrong by recovering.
There are energy vampires who use help to dominate.
I know it sounds weird but stick with me.
If you look at the balance of power in any relationship (Which is already a weird concept), in this person’s view, the one helping someone takes on a more powerful role. It sticks the person being helped to them at least as long as the help is needed.
This is fine as long as the person who is receiving the help gets back on their own feet and the person helping is happy and lets go.
The difference between one who truly helps to help and an energy vampire is that the goal of someone who helps is to get the person needing help back up and functioning on their own and doing well in life.
For the new energy vampire, the goal, though hidden, is to keep that person down and in need of help so that they can dominate and use this person. This energy vampire puts on a front of being the helpiest helpy that ever helped and in truth uses help to enslave.
The telltale sign of someone like this is that they are surrounded with downtrodden people who are always failing in life and never seem to be able to get on their feet. There is now a group of victimized weaklings and they stay weak and victimized. Somewhere in the deep consciousness of the victims, there is the vague feeling that if they recovered and were strong, it would be very much frowned on by the energy vampire.
Any sane person would think that having well and happy people around them would feed their spirit more than having sick and failing people around them. This is a truism that is obvious to anyone not caught up in some psychotic view of the world.
Normal people are upset and worried by those who are sick and failing Most people do everything in their power to actually and truly help people who need it and rejoice when they recover.
The energy vampire does not. When someone is sick or failing they rejoice. When that person recovers, they are unhappy.
To the energy vampire, everyone is dangerous. They need you because you keep them alive and yet they must keep you down because if they don’t, you will either leave or destroy them.
It is a twisted world view that creates an energy vampire like this. It is also very insidious and despite recognizing it, if you allow yourself to be around it too long, it erodes your self worth.
When one of these vampires bites you, you may not realize you have been bit because their arguments sound so… logical. Here are some things to look for when you suspect one of these:
1. The minute you start doing well, you are no longer championed but attacked
This energy vampire ALWAYS champions the underdog. Those who are doing well are attacked in person and to others. The underdog, no matter how they have created their particular situation is never to blame and is the helpless victim of other evil people, usually “The Rich” or someone else perceived to be in a stronger position than the weak person. This is a generality and not one specific person so you cannot fight it.
2. People around this person suddenly start snubbing you or fighting with you and you can’t seem to resolve it
The energy vampire has a list of failing people around him or her. They tell shocking lies to others about those who are successful. They create a false picture of who you are and what you do. These people surrounding the energy vampire are so cowed that they don’t even think to look at what you actually do.
3. This new energy vampire tears down successful people to you and intimates that these people got where they are by victimizing others.
This has no traffic in truth and if one looked one would see immediately how twisted this argument was. This is a narrative designed to engender victim hood and it works, so it is used a LOT.
4. The new energy vampire cannot admit they have ever been wrong. Not even a little bit.
This person will hold onto rightness to the point of lunacy. They will swear up and down that their idea is true despite being proven wrong over and over. When proven wrong they are livid and attack you using emotional blackmail and not facts.
5. Self doubt and self criticism flares up in your universe.
There is a strange mechanism that begins in someone who is under this type of attack. It is to find every possible criticism inducing flaw in yourself and fix it before this person finds it and waves it about in front of you and the world like a red flag. The trouble is, that these flaws rarely exist in reality.
They are most times, innocent actions that are then twisted and have evil intentions dubbed into them. Many times they are simply just flat out lies. The lose-lose proposition is that no matter what flaws you fix in yourself, the energy vampire will create new ones and pretend they are yours while simultaneously ignoring flat out crimes in themselves and those they champion.
6.You are not allowed to defend yourself.
The new energy vampire knows best always because they are helping you aren’t they? Again twisted. Defending yourself only creates anger on the part of the energy vampire or assertions in front of others that you “Don’t know” or that you “Have been led down the wrong path”. This is a very covert way of saying that you are stupid while at the same time implying that everyone who believes this vampire are the “smart ones”.
7. There is someone in your universe who would not be ok with you if you were successful in the line of work you have chosen.
Obviously if it is illegal or horribly immoral someone might have a problem with it but if it isn’t and someone would be unhappy with you if you succeeded, there is your baby.
8. You are expected to embrace their world but they want nothing to do with yours.
Their world is where you belong and they don’t want to know about your world. What you actually do in life has no bearing on how they feel about you.
You could be Mother Theresa and they would never know because they just don’t care to look or entertain the idea that you might be good or, God forbid, better than they are.
9. You are uncertain about your own intentions and actions.
This vampire will attribute evil intentions to other’s actions or beliefs that closely resemble yours. You hear diatribes about the evil intentions behind actions that when you look at them are clearly benevolent. And yet this person sees only evil.
The fact that your intentions and actions are so similar to those being vilified makes you uncertain about your own actions and even your own intentions which, left to your own counsel you would never question.
10. You find yourself compared unfavorably to others.
Again this is covert. The energy vampire will never state flat out that you are inferior. This comes about as pointedly ignoring your creations or works while loudly praising those of others whose works are inferior to yours.
This person cannot validate anything you have done or you will rise above them, at least that is what they think. They must keep the balance of power tipped in their favor because life is a war and you are the enemy. You must be destroyed but not destroyed completely.
As long as you support this person or defend or pump life into them, you are allowed to live. The minute you step away, your reputation is destroyed and the group of victims around this person are too cowed to look at the truth.
Another tell tale sign that you have been bit is that you are tired a lot. You are apathetic. Your immunity (both mental and physical) is down so you get sick.
Constant, covert invalidation of you, your actions, your intentions makes you tired and disheartened.
It is exhausting fighting against a covert and unseen enemy when you don’t even know you are being attacked.
You cannot be happy if you are forever trying to please someone who does not want you to do well. It is a tough thing to face but face it you must.
I once heard a gem of truth and it goes like this (Excuse my language):
“How do you know you are depressed? It could be you are just surrounded by assholes.”
This is a truism despite its mild vulgarity.
If you looked at everyone in your life and eliminated the assholes and energy vampires ruthlessly despite their protestations and logical “reasons” for their behavior, you would feel a TON better.
What happens when you locate this energy vampire?
You don’t have to eliminate this person from your life, especially if it is a family member but you do have to understand their particular shade of personality defect and how it presents itself. You have to understand that it has nothing to do with you as a person or any of the things you do or believe.
When you identify this person, change your life to get rid of them if they are odd friends or acquaintances, or severely limit your exposure to them if they are family.
The people who deserve your company are those who are happy for your success. They are the ones who rejoice with you the minute they see you are functioning again.
They are those who are right there with the cake and champagne when you are winning as well as commiserating when you are not.
It is an unfortunate fact that we live among people who are not entirely sane in all things. It is also unfortunate that learning that someone close to you is this way is so painful.
That said, it is better to know and know what to do about it while seeking healthier people to be around.
Good luck and write me if you want to.