In Space No One Can Hear you Pee.

toilet lid

Please do not throw baby diapers, feminine products, cups, Safeway rotisserie chickens and vodka bottles into the toilet

In Space No One Can Hear You Pee; And Other Weird Wrinkles in the Space/Time Fabric

Greetings Belli!

Yesterday we arrived in Florence via transatlantic way-too-many-hours-long flight.

We were flying United on a new plane and we had slightly upgraded seats which gave us more legroom and expanded seat width so we could spread out a little. I recommend this if you can possibly swing it. It is only a few bucks more and infinitely more comfortable.

Although the flight was smooth and really great, I have found that the possibilities for on-board entertainment are slim once you have run the gamut of movies you have already seen and all episodes of The Big Bang Theory.

After about hour 4, I found my mind drifting into the philosophical/metaphysical where it does not normally drift and where it would do better to stay entirely clear of.

This started with an innocent trip to the toilet to rid self of the 90th diet coke which substituted for entertainment.


Airplane toilet signs

Please do not put whipped cream in the toilet and flush it out over the sea.

In Space No One Can Hear You Pee

It was pretty noisy in the toilet, none of which was my doing. Now, gentlemen who are present, please allow me to delicately clue you in to some interesting anatomical facts about ladies and their bathroom habits.

Ok, how can I put this appropriately?…..

I am not sure if other ladies do this but if I can’t hear anything occurring due to noise or deafness, I don’t know when I’m done. There I said it!

So in essence, while in an airplane mid voyage, woman have a disadvantage. In space, no one can hear us pee, not even us. Therefore have we really pee’d? If pee falls in an airplane did it really fall if there is no one there to hear it?

One could, conceivably leave the toilet without having pee’d at all and think one had. It could get to that awful extreme. In fact, I think that happened to me but it could be that I should have stopped after Diet Coke number 89.

Supermodel walk

Walk like a super model then check to see if your deodorant is working.

The Space/Time Continuum on a Transatlantic Flight

Another weird anomaly of air travel is the evidence of wrinkles and rips in the space/time continuum which occur in only transatlantic flights. Time is pretty much a lie as it is based entirely on arbitrary and randomly selected criteria (the sun rising and setting and the variations of its position and the positions of other celestial bodies in relation to it). My husband tends to disagree with me on much of these issues as he is an actual scientist while I don’t even play one on TV. I basically just observe and make up my facts to suit my predetermined agenda but then so do a lot of “scientists” but I won’t go there.

So we have the earth and the sun’s motion around it. This is time. However there are many variances in this motion. Some days are shorter than others. Others stretch longer. In fact two days right next to each other are not the same length and have minute differences. Nonetheless, we have factored these things into our clocks and calendars. We have fudged here and there and have made things as closely mapped as we can so as to have some predict on the whole time thing. Since there are minute discrepancies, it is kind of like trying to nail down one of those dot, dot, dot numbers that go on forever (3.33333…) Still, we do the best we can.

But there are wrinkles and things that don’t quite work. You find them as you fly. In flight you move across several time zones while the earth is moving under you. So you leave home one day, fly for several hours and arrive well into the next day having lost a big chunk of the day you arrived in. In short you lose hours.

When you come home you travel for many hours and get home almost before you took off halfway across the planet. So you gain a bunch of hours.

I believe that these wrinkles are the inevitable result of people who like things nice and exact, coming into the stark reality of the physical universe which tries its absolute best to stay confused and chaotic.

Your body, being physical universe matter and energy and inhabited by a being that is not physical universe matter and energy has a huge hissy fit about the whole thing and punishes you for days both coming and going.

Bodies HATE space/time wrinkles.

The Air in Planes has No Moisture

You arrive to the airport well fed and well hydrated. This happy state lasts until about a half hour into your flight.

Any moisture that you arrived with slowly seaps out of your body no matter how much water or how many diet cokes you drink.

Your eyes, over the next few hours turn to raisins in your head. Your tongue swells and talking becomes difficult. Your skin becomes leather and bits of it flake off with with every movement.

Soon you have become a poorly preserved mummy sitting in a giant metal tube with other poorly preserved mummies, hovering over the ocean and wondering how you are ever going to unbuckle your seat belt without breaking your delicate fingers.

Upon landing you drink everything in sight and in a few days, you return to normal

Food Turns To Air and Air Becomes Fattening

Once again, sorry to be indelicate but how is it that anything you eat on a transatlantic flight turns to air that traps itself in your gut making your pants tight and making you lose your appetite?

You eat very little and still when you land you weigh in at pounds over your normal weight. Maybe that is just me but I don’t think so. Calorie counting counts for nothing on an airplane. You can’t even say is it water weight gain (See above). Apparently airplane air is filled with calories and fat and every other sin imaginable. You debark after a 12 hour flight where you have consumed a tiny portion of a microscopic meal and and weigh in at your highest weight ever. After a few days, your pants begin to loosen and you again, return to normal.

This makes no sense as far as physical universe matter, energy, space and time are concerned. The Conservation of Energy Theory simply does not apply in air travel.

Every Slight Jiggle Freaks You Out

Have you seen the new on-board flight safety videos? Instead of using a reality based setting where the actors grab for their face masks, floating cushions and bibles at the same time, the creators of the safety videos have placed this scene in new surroundings. I think this is smart because no one wants to entertain the idea that they might end up plummeting from a billion feet up and landing in a flaming ember in the sea no matter how remote the possibility.

Now the video features a person riding in a car. When they mention turbulence, the car jiggles and they show it going over a bumpy road. This makes sense as the plane, when it hits turbulence is riding over bumpy air.

Nonetheless when this occurs,  you get that adrenaline surge and frantically clutch and pull up on the armrests with apathetic certainty that no amount of pulling up you do on the armrests is going to save you from mother ocean claiming you.

Anywhere other than in an airplane these jiggles would not upset you and here you are silently promising God you will never drink 90 diet cokes again, and you will give up cake for ever.

(TIP: If you have trouble with anxiety while flying, go look at the statistics of the number of flights that take off and land every day all over the world. You will feel better.)

Upon landing in Italy, I again entered the real world, the world of strong coffee and black tobacco that reminds me that I am back on earth and among people again. The other zombies join me in the line to claim our luggage and I am happily on my way.

But that feeling that I have exited the physical universe, re-entered it and lived to tell the tale, stays with me……


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