Ciao Belli Peeps,
I hope you are reading this simply for entertainment and not because you need it. I adore you too much to want to see you go through a divorce because they are extremely difficult and just plain sad.
If you are going through one or feel one hovering on the horizon, read on. This will help you.
What is the main reason people get divorced? Most people will tell you it is that the couple “Fell out of love with each other”.
Well, this does not just happen. It occurs over time and there is a cause. Let’s look at the causes.
1) Lack of communication.
This is the biggie here folks.
First let’s look at communication. It is so not just talking. You see people all the time talking endlessly and not communicating at all.
In fact I know that you have suffered the person who jabbers on at length about anything and everything barely pausing for a brief breath before launching into another endless blab about nothing at all. It is tortuous being in their vicinity. They are tiring. You always need a nap after being subjected to someone like that.
And yet, there are some who might believe that that person is communicating. Well, if they were, you would be communicating back and not eyeing the door waiting for a chance to make your escape.
That is not communication. That is one way jabber.
Communication is back and forth. It is saying something and giving your partner a chance to respond and then acknowledging that response. It is never talking over your spouse. It is granting him respect for his views and opinions. It is never making him feel small or unappreciated. It is and exchange of ideas in a safe environment.
The remedy: Look for opportunities to communicate. Communicate a lot. Send each other love notes. Call each other on your breaks. This keeps the other person close.
2) Different realities.
My husband works at Sandisc which is awesome! What’s awesome about it? I have no idea but he loves it. Honestly, his work is so above me that I feel like a kindergartner talking to Einstein. BUT I do know that he considers it very important. So I listen and ask about things so that he knows that I understand its importance. I don’t have to know everything about his job but trying to understand his day is important.
This is something that is important in dealing with kids too. Even if you don’t see a pirate ship in your back kyard, at least understand that that pirate ship is pretty dang important.
The remedy: Find things about his importances that you can value too. Comment on those things.
3) Growing in separate directions.
I have seen this and it is heartbreaking. As a couple goes through the process of having kids, raising them and working to forward their careers, they change. They desire different things and the importances in their lives change too.
If one has his head down and doesn’t see this starting to happen, there comes a point where the couple has grown so far apart that they feel the rift is too wide to bridge.
The sadness in this circumstance is that the people involved generally still love each other a lot. They don’t want to divorce but they feel they cannot go backward.
The Remedy: Create goals that you go after together. If you want to learn the harp and he is all about Mongolian Throat Singing, you may find some middle ground; ok probably never in a million years, so find a third thing that you both love and do that together. Practice your harp and his M.T.S. privately.
There are so many fabulous things to do and learn. I am sure you can find something that you both enjoy.
4) One partner cheats
This is a really hard one. I had a cheater as a first husband. He was a serial cheater, cheater pumpkin eater so I ditched him and went off to lick my considerable wounds.
If your husband has cheated more than once, he is a serial cheater and a lunatic. Sane people don’t cheat. They understand what it does to the other person and would never injure someone they love in that way.
The remedy: Ditch the bastard and start over. Count yourself lucky to be out of it because your heart will be broken over and over again.
5) One partner is abusive
This can be physical or mental abuse. Let’s not get all dramo up in here. Someone disagreeing with you or being upset with you is not abuse. Abuse is when someone knowingly says things to try to hurt you.
Here is an example:
Spouse: “I have asked you over and over not to leave the mayo out. It goes bad.” (Not abuse, even if said in anger)
Spouse: “You fat slob! What were you thinking? Are you so stupid you don’t know that mayo goes bad when left out of the fridge.” (Definitely abusive)
Abuse is comments that are personal and attacking. This is not ok.
If you have tried to educate this person into being rational and not making you feel small, invalidating you, telling you what is wrong with you and in general making you insecure, unhappy and feeling unloved, again ditch the bastard.
6) You don’t love the person any more
This does not just happen and most times over the lifetime of a relationship, the individual partners sometimes do things to the other that they feel are harmful. This can be as simple as eating the last cookie when you know darn well your partner will make a beeline to the pantry with that in mind as soon as he gets home.
It can be a damaging as running up the credit cards and putting the family in bankruptcy. Over time. These acts fester in your universe, you feel the urge to separate from the person you have harmed.
The remedy: Take a look at the things you have done to him and acknowledge them. (For more information on this process, check out this online course.)
7) The outside influence.
This is the unseen and poisonous person who is yapping in your ear or in your spouse’s ear telling one bad things about the other. Sometimes it is an in-law, sometimes it is an unscrupulous suitor who has his or her eyes on one of the partners and is trying to steal their affection.
They do their best to remain unseen and therefore are extremely damaging. An outside influence can change affection into hatred if allowed to continue. It destroys relationships and ruins lives.
Having almost had my marriage of 25 years completely destroyed by an outside influence, I recommend that you don’t take them lightly and insist that they be uncovered. When you do discover them, hammer them hard and insist that your spouse recognize when someone is doing this and defend you.
The remedy: Ask your spouse if someone is saying any thing even remotely negative about you to him. Get him to see how damaging this is. If anyone says anything negative about your spouse, defend him like a mama bear.
8) One of you is unhappy
When this happens, the first thing that seems to happen is that the unhappy person starts thinking that the problem lies with their spouse when it might actually lie in other areas. There are so many areas that can cause stress and difficulty.
Stress at work can make things seem awful. Schedules that are too demanding can do this too as can a house that does not work for you. That sounds goofy and stupid but it is true. If one has been in a house through loss or a major illness or particularly sad time, just being there can make you unhappy.
If you have a bad hip or knee and your house is filled with stairs, you might not even realize how happy you will be if you move to a house where there are none. Pain sucks. Ditch it!
The remedy: Find the REAL reason behind the unhappiness and address that. If you are living in a house that you have lived in through lots of painful experiences, move to another place. It is amazing how different you might feel.
If, as you read this you get the idea that there is very little in a marriage that cannot be remedied, you are right. The only thing that cannot be remedied is that fact of choosing the wrong partner in the first place. If you are married to a criminal or abuser or cheater, pack your bags as soon as humanly possible and high tail it out of there.
If not, stop, look and work it out. I am available if you need help.