I was reviewing some of my older posts today on Chasing La Bella Vita and came across a post that I wrote almost exactly one year ago today right after my total hip replacement. I barely remember that time because I was in a lot of pain and medicated. As I read through this I could not stop laughing. I don’t know if it is just me blowing off large quantities of remembered pain or whether this post is just plan hilarious but I thought I was going to split a gut.
Rather than deny you the opportunity to decide for yourself, I spiffed it up a bit and am publishing it now. I hope you get a great belly laugh out of it! Here it is:
(In the above photo, let me introduce you to Mr. Spongeonastick, Mr. Cowcarcasspoker, Mr. Grabber and Mr. Sockputteronner, my new friends in hip replacementland!)
Hello again everyone!
As you know I am now on day 13 post total (and I do mean TOTAL) left hip replacement. To date I have given you the obligatory blogs about keeping your chin held high and tears wiped from your eyes as you muddle through the procedure and subsequent recovery. It can be tough, really tough but that doesn’t mean there aren’t fun things interspersed and sandwiched in between the agonies.
As always, my mind, fertile as it is, has been busy. Thanks to my new temporary disability, I have lots of new toys to play with and master. In fact, many brilliant minds have been hard at work on solving the problems presented by this particular disability and have come up with ingenious products for our comfort and enjoyment. While these all have perfectly legitimate purposes, I really don’t find any of them very funny so I have come up with my own uses for these brilliant pieces of engineering.
1) Use your grabber to pinch your spouse’s bum then pretend it was the drugs talking/acting.
There is nothing like a little good natured humor to make your caretaker go sprinting back to work shortly after your arrival home from the hospital. Work provides them with a healthy respite from your shenanigans which, due to heavy ingestion of narcotic drugs, may be way more hilarious to you then to them. Still this one is good for a pretty good chuckle as long as you don’t squeeze too hard.
2) Use your sock putteronner (A tool for putting on your socks after surgery when you can’t reach your feet) to dress your dog.
The sock putteronner is one of the coolest inventions I have ever seen. You put the sock over it and then use the ribbons to slide it over your foot thus avoiding the dangerous hip positions that will make your hip spontaneously jump out of the socket at the slightest provocation (Just kidding, from what I hear, it is pretty rare as long as you are careful.) Take the sock putteronner with the dog dress on it and slide it over your small dog butt first. See?! Instant comfy warmth! Your dog feels your pain and it is very important to them that they be allowed to make you feel better. This is just the solution.
The sock putteronner is one of the most brilliant inventions that I have ever seen. I am sure Mr. Sock Putteronner has made milllions just from us hip replacement victims (I mean patients! LOL!) and rightfully so!
3) Use your walker to simulate zombies rising from the grave under your neighbor’s window.
Honestly the walkers have this weird sort of rhythm to them (step, scrape, step, scrape) What does that sound like? Zombies! Exactly! Who will laugh more loudly than your neighbors when they find out it is really you?
4) Pee on the floor.
I am so not kidding! SOME PEOPLE I know have totally done this! In the picture you can see the over the toilet or bedside commode. This is a great tool but has its drawbacks. You can take the little bucket out and place the chair over the toilet so that you don’t have to make your care giver clean out your potty. One of the drawbacks is that it can be set pretty high which means that when you sit down, you are missing that all important air tight seal that women, especially, can create in a normal potty going experience.
Just go ahead and have your spouse set it a little bit too high and then use it. Much hilarity ensues as your pee totally misses the inside of the toilet entirely and dribbles down the outside onto the floor.
5) Use your sponge on a stick for wheelchair polo!
This obviously works best if you have another hip replacement victim as an opponent but if not, use your dog! They love chasing balls and this is a great way to interact with them! You get a great workout too!
6) Invent new uses for your medical devices.
While I am eternally indebted to Mr. Sockputteronner, Mr. Walker, Mr. Sticksponge and Mr. Longshoehorn for the medical devices that bear their names. I have found a few things lacking. Only by sheer genius have I been able to fashion items that serve the purposes that have been thus far forgotten.
My newest invention I call the Chris Ellis or, for those who have trouble remembering that, the razor on a stick (Also known as “Yeti No More”). This one is not for the faint of heart but only for those so sick of looking like a Yeti that they would do just about anything to remedy this awful situation.